he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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