Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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