We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So much rum. So many feels.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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