Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just gargled with NyQuil
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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