i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Acid is not a monday night drug
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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