the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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