Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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