There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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