Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
