On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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