Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
