Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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