i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
