I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
