Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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