My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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