I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
