if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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