Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Why did my mother make you get naked?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
