I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
