And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
