Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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