I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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