She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
