I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
