The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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