i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
