If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
