I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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