When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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