I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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