overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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