I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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