Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
