ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
