it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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