hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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