I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
