We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
