Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
