no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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