You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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