my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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