my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
