Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
