Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
