i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
