i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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