I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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