there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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