Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
