He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
