I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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