I am spending my child support on dildos
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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