I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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