Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
